Waiting, Waiting and Waiting

I have done a poor job of keeping this blog up throughout my pregnancy. I had every intention of updating regularly but for one reason or another, I just didn't make the time. And now here I am with 4 days left until my due date. I guess this is as good a time as ever to make a post, right?

Today I am 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant and though that means there are 4 days left until I hit the benchmark 40 week due date, those 4 days seem like a lifetime away. I'm playing the waiting game and I have been for almost 3 weeks now. Since 37 weeks, I have been 2 cm dilated and have really felt my body preparing for labor - braxton hicks contractions (some accompanied by cramping), sore joints, swelling (i actually miss my feet), and pelvic pressure among other pains that are more awkward to mention. So I'm ready for this! I'm ready for my feet to return to me, my digestive system to work again, to be able to sleep without sore ribs and hips (note: i didn't say i was looking forward to "sleep" - i realize i won't be getting much of it!), to bend over without totally losing my breath and balance, to get off the couch without needing the assistance of a forklift... but mostly, to meet my daughter.

I've been carrying this sweet child for 9 months in my womb. To think that over those months she started out as a spot on my ovary, then a tiny heartbeat, then a tiny baby with arms and legs and now she is a fully grown newborn with a personality of her own and lungs that are ready to release their first cry and take their first breath as she enters the world is truly amazing. I imagine that moment throughout the day, when she will take her first breath and cry her first cry and I'll hear her for the very first time. I simply cannot wait. I've heard over and over again that this is the most joyous moment in your life and I know that it will be even though I haven't experienced it yet. I can feel her now, moving around in what little room she has left inside my womb, but I can't see her, touch her or hear her. I am so thankful that day is coming soon when I will be able to!

So for now I will continue to wait, for what other option do I have? It does seem brutally long and painful as I wait for her to be in my arms, but I'm reminded that this is the way God created the event to be and I must trust in His unfailing love and perfect plan. No doubt He is teaching me patience and humility and I am a stubborn pupil, fighting back hard with my own will. But the closer I get, the more I must rely on Him for strength, comfort and patience.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 

 When you pass through the waters, 

   I will be with you; 

 and when you pass through the rivers, 

   they will not sweep over you. 

When you walk through the fire, 

   you will not be burned; 

   the flames will not set you ablaze. 

 For I am the LORD your God, 

   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"

Isaiah 43:1-3

Go ZoZo!

So I had my 4D "redo" today. Let me back up. Two weeks ago, I had my 4D ultrasound. We couldn't get very good pictures of Zoey because she was breeched - still breeched rather! Head up, butt down, feet in front of her face. The girl is going to be an acrobat! Well, our ultrasound tech is awesome so she had me come back today at 31 weeks 6 days to do another 4D in hopes that she may have turned head down. And she did!

I have spent the last two weeks prepping myself for the reality that she may not turn, but praying that she would. My doctor said it was 50/50 so I had no reason to suspect that she wouldn't, but I didn't want to be totally unprepared for the reality that she may not which would result in a C-section, something that has terrified me this whole time. God is so sweet. I have really had peace about the delivery, accepted that however it happened was (and still is) out of my control and in His, which is marvelously settling to my fears. Who could I want in control more than Him?

So here I am, 8 weeks or so away from meeting my daughter and I must say I cannot wait! Not only because I feel like I swallowed a whole watermelon, my feet look like potatoes or that almost everything gives me heartburn, but because I am so blessed to be a mommy and I cannot wait to meet this sweet daughter God has graciously given to Randall and I. It's been a journey and it still is and it will continue to be... and I'm excited for that.

When Cravings Suck

Today is New Years Day. Honestly, it's just another day. I celebrated the beginning of a new year at midnight with friends quite honestly because I'll find any excuse for a party and I kind of like New Years Eve. It's a surreal moment when you see the clock strike 12 and you realize you'll never write the 4 digit number that stands for those 365 days again, except when you're referencing the past.

But once midnight strikes, the thrill is gone. New Years Day doesn't mean a whole lot to me. My husband doesn't get the day off from work and I hate black eyed peas. It's just another day.

Normally I am glad for businesses to close on a holiday. It's good for the employees to get a break and celebrate with friends and family. But this year, I'm pregnant. I've gone most of the past 5 months without a lot of cravings and aversions, but of course they decide to kick in on one of the only days of the year that every place I want to order food from is closed. And I mean every place. Three massive let downs in a row. I went from craving something, having to give up that craving to scrounging up two other places that sounded pretty good to me only to find out they were both closed. To make it worse, the last place even lied! Their website had their business hours for New Years Day as being open until 8:00 and they weren't open all day!

So here I sit, too aware of how much cravings can really suck. I know it's mind over matter, but that's a bitter pill to swallow when my body and mind feel like they're being entirely run by a pregnancy hormone. Oh the joys of growing a life inside of you, right?

Since I know this situation will probably come up again over the next 4 months, then let me ask you something. Moms and friends of moms, bring on the advice. What kind of cravings have you gotten that were hard if not impossible to fulfill because of immediate circumstances? How did you deal?

The Gift of a Fellow Saint

A wise and godly woman once said, "the greatest miracle you will ever see is a life transformed by the gospel". This truth resonated with my soul, as I have longed to see so many people in my life saved by the grace that has transformed my own life. It's been about a year since I've heard that quote and many years of praying for unbelieving friends and family.

This Christmas, I have seen that miracle in the life of someone I love dearly - my brother.

My brother, Todd and I didn't grow up in the same house. He is 17 years older than me and though we share the same mother, we don't share the same father. Despite these circumstances, Todd has always been my brother, not my "half-brother" and I've always loved him like we had grown up together. But there's more to the story. Todd had been a slave to addiction since he was 12 years old until the time he was 41. To be specific, until around the exact time he turned 41 which was not quite 2 months ago. Most of my life he has spent behind jail and prison bars, in court-ordered rehab facilities, or high or drunk. I've seen him bottom out and I've seen him want to change his life and then bottom out again.

But over the past year, I began to see something different in him and I began to pray more that what I was seeing was God's hand in his life, drawing Todd to himself in His own timing. Around October of 2009, we had a lengthy conversation in which I shared the gospel with him for the first time and told him my own testimony of the gospel. As we spoke, I knew it was God giving me the words to speak to him. His eyes longed to hear the Truth, to believe that he could stop living in addiction and be a new creation. But on that day, his heart was not ready to receive it. God had more plans for him, but I have no doubt He was working in his heart even then, a year before he would receive grace.

After that day, God gave me more of a desire to pray for his salvation. I prayed God would break his heart of stone and show him his sin and that he would repent and be cleansed and have joy in knowing his Creator and Savior, just as He had done for me. God began to show me the hope of what could be - a beautiful testimony of a life so full of sin yet so calloused to it gone and a new creation in Christ in it's place. It became my heart's desire and though Satan tried his best to make me believe this was a foolish hope, God reminded me each time that He hears and blesses my prayers and that no one is beyond His grace.

In August of this year, Randall and I received an invitation from our friends, the Millers, to a dinner benefitting a ministry called His Steps. As I was reading the email invite, I began to see that this ministry was created for men struggling with addiction and immediately thought of Todd. Randall and I both felt like this could be the place where Todd would receive the gospel so we wanted to find out more at the dinner. Before the dinner had even begun, I looked across the large banquet hall and saw my cousin Brian, who is a solid believer that loves Todd and has fought addiction in his own life. When I finally made my way over to talk to him, I found out that he had been in communication with Tim, the founder of His Steps, and that he was scheduling a time for the family to sit down with Todd, have Tim tell him what the ministry was about, and have us ask him to go there. It seemed surreal. A few days before I had been pondering the idea of talking with the family about Todd going to His Steps and here I was finding out it was already in the works. I was nervous but excited at the possibility and overjoyed to see Brian loving Todd with the love of Christ. My heart was encouraged.

A few days later, this family meeting took place, but it almost never happened. It was my task to get Todd to the meeting and I was unwilling to do this under false pretenses. I had told Todd the day before that Brian and I were going to take him to breakfast and talk about his plans and jobs. Todd had recently been released from jail and looking for some direction. I felt convicted that I couldn't lie to him so the morning I picked him up, I sat down and told him that the whole family was going to be there and we all wanted to help him figure out a plan to help him stay on track. I didn't tell him about Tim and His Steps because I thought he might automatically shut down and think of it as rehab, so I left it at that. He was really flustered at the idea of having the whole family there and didn't understand the point of it. I could see millions of things running through his mind as I told him about the meeting. I told him I thought it would be good for him and I hoped he would come with me, but it was up to him. I simply asked that he tell me yes or no and that if he didn't want to go that I would leave. After probably 20 minutes of internal debate, he got up from the table and said "let's go".

The meeting took place and just like the previous October, I saw a desire in his eyes to believe what was being told to him and this time by so many more people who loved him. He didn't decide to go to His Steps that day or the next day and in fact he bottomed out again over the next couple of months. But this time when he hit the bottom, God opened his heart to see his brokenness. Desperate for freedom with tear-filled eyes, he called our Aunt Donna and asked to come to her house. She let him right in and told him to get some rest. The next day Todd expressed his desire for a new start and decided to go to His Steps. He has been there since early November.

Sometime over the course of the short time he has been at His Steps, God has truly created a new heart in him. He is learning God's word and praying for more enlightenment. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life because I spent all afternoon listening to his account of God's work in his life. This man who had once alienated himself from the family during Christmas due to shame was sitting at my kitchen table enjoying fellowship with us. We serve a mighty God.

This Christmas, I have received the best gift of all, the gift of seeing my brother become more than just a blood relative. This year he is a fellow saint of Christ.


 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation... God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5: 17-19; 21

A Woman's Work...

Times have changed since our grandparents were raising our parents. My mom grew up in the 50's and 60's in a middle class family. My grandfather earned a salary as an accountant and my grandmother stayed at home to raise my mom and aunt. That was the norm for most families then and it was accepted and even expected by society. This is definitely not the norm anymore and the idea of motherhood as a profession is very often frowned upon by society today.

Thank you very much, feminists. (Topic for another post perhaps?)

Before my husband, Randall, and I got married over 2 years ago, we agreed that once we started having children, I would stay at home to raise them, at least until they were school age (if we didn't decide to home school). Now that we are expecting our first child, this is becoming a reality. Actually it became a reality earlier than we had originally expected. I decided to quit my 30 hour per week job of baking cupcakes at just 8 weeks into my pregnancy, when the infamous "morning sickness" monster started rearing it's ugly head. I absolutely love baking cupcakes (and eating them!) so it was not easy to stop making money to do what I love, but as most of you have probably read in my precious entries, that first trimester was no walk in the park. So, to sum it up, baking and all-day nausea didn't mix. I wasn't making a lot of money and my husband was up for a promotion within the month so it seemed to be a sensible decision for me to go ahead and quit.

Then came the 2nd trimester. Ah, relief. My energy began to return and the nausea vanished. Hallelujah! But wait, I felt okay again but now I was bringing in no income. Hmm...

Being at home has left me with plenty to do, but I still feel the squeeze of not bringing in any income. I know the desire of my heart is foremost to be a mother and God has provided the means for that, for which I am very thankful. But while my husband is able to provide for our family, right now we could use some extra income. Working with one income after having two for so long has been a challenge and has had us questioning where we need to cut back. While I really am fine with living without some things - eating out more than once a month, cable television, etc. - the hardest part for me has been feeling like I'm not doing enough when I could be bringing in money that we could be saving up for the baby.

So I've been perusing my options for how to bring in some income during these next 5 months and even beyond. I applied for a freelance writing job that would allow me to work at my own pace and write only as many articles as I want to. I have no idea if I will get hired but I do plan on applying for a few of those and hope that maybe one will work out. Here's some other ideas:

- Selling CDs, DVDs and other stuff on Amazon or eBay - not a steady form of income, but hey it's income, right?
- Selling my cupcakes from home - this is a bit more tricky and would pretty much have to be by word of mouth because of health code regulations, but it's something I want to do. Randall and I still have a dream of owning our own bakery and coffee shop business one day so this would be a great way to build up at least a small client base too.
- Sewing and selling aprons - This one is the most out of reach right now because while I have recently purchased a sewing machine, I still haven't learned how to use it! Regardless, I have a love for vintage aprons and want to make them, especially by repurposing old fabrics.

Ladies and moms - I want to know what you think. What are your experiences with managing a family with one income (specifically less than 30,000 per year)? What are some creative ways you've heard or or have used to bring in extra income as a mom?

Did You Say CLOTH Diapers?

Diapers. We've all worn them (and may again with the rising life expectancy) and when we have children of our own, we will all change them and buy them. It's a messy business for sure and an expensive one too, as any parent can attest. Disposable diapers on average cost around $850 per year or $70 per month. For me, that's a jarring number considering my plan to be a thrifty stay-at-home mom. So, I've been considering the alternative - cloth diapers. Yes, I said cloth diapers.

Relax, I'm not speaking of the daunting piece of white cloth that you somehow wrap around a baby's butt and fasten with safety pins. Those are more or less a thing of the past. Today, cloth diapers come with features like snaps, velcro, and some even come with a one-size-fits-all feature that grows with your baby. The upfront cost is higher, as the premium cloth diapers cost around $17 per diaper thus around $400 for 2 dozen, which should be all you will need for the entirety of your child's diapered days. Now that sounds like a better number than $850 to me!

But there is an obviously messy fact to consider - cloth diapers must be washed. This is probably a determining factor for many because let's face it, the thought of cleaning off seemingly endless poop, diaper after diaper, day after day is not a pleasant one. I'll be the first to admit that the ease of throwing a dirty diaper in the trash sounds delightful in comparison! However, I have found that while cleaning a cloth diaper is always a messy job, my research suggests that it's not as scary as my pre-conceived notions about it are. Diaper bins similar to the ones that are used for disposables are available, which not only hold dirty diapers until washing time, but can also mask the smell of them. What I've found to be the most intriguing invention that aids in cloth diaper clean up is the bumGenius brand diaper sprayer. It attaches to your toilet fairly easily, can be stored on the wall, and allows you to spray poop off of the diaper and directly into the toilet before washing. And speaking of washing, while there is always the option of using a diaper service, this almost entirely defeats the economical side of cloth diapering. Diaper services can run you almost as much as it costs to use disposables every month, so I'm scratching that idea. I have a washer and dryer and am certainly no stranger to using them so I would wash them myself, which on average runs you about $15-$20 per month.

There are other pros and cons to the diaper debate that I am not even delving into. Health and safety and environmental friendliness are among the biggest. While these topics do hold some weight in my diapering decision, I chose to stick with the cost side of cloth diapers as it holds the most weight for me personally.

With 6 months left to go before I must make the ultimate diaper decision, I will continue to read and listen to personal experiences and opinions from both sides of the debate, including from you - my readers! Did you or would you choose cloth or disposable and why?

Caffeine - To Drink or Not To Drink

Wow it has been far too long since I have made a post. My plan is to change that and post at least 2 times per week if not more. Here's a quick recap on what's happened since the last time I posted - heard the baby's heartbeat twice, entered the "honeymoon" 2nd trimester and said farewell to nagging nausea, vomiting, food aversions and extreme fatigue, and have begun to grow a "baby bump". Looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in a few short weeks - November 24th!

It's an exciting time for sure, but the further I get into my pregnancy, the more I seem to read and hear about things to avoid. I don't want to be an overly stressed mom-to-be that barely lives those 9 months for fear of doing something wrong but I obviously don't want to be the polar extreme of that. So where is the middle ground? What do you do away with completely and what do you allow yourself to have in moderation?

Today I'm specifically asking this question about caffeine. Pre-pregnancy, I woke up to drink that marvelous cup of piping hot joe every morning. Since about 5 weeks into my 1st trimester, I stopped drinking coffee entirely. I didn't want to risk it but even more so, the "morning" sickness made the smell I had once loved turn my stomach sour. But lately, my craving has returned. The brisk cool air, fall colors and promise of Christmas along with my new sick-free days have made brewing and drinking that morning cup of goodness a soothing way to start my day. I confess that even as I type this, I am drinking a cup - mind you, it is 3/4 decaf and is a small cup. But I am plagued with the conflicting information that's out there on how much is okay. I'm tempted to think that even my small cup of almost entirely decaf coffee could be damaging to my baby, but my gut conviction is that this is ridiculous. Everything in moderation... right?

So ladies, mothers, pregnant mommas-to-be, I want to hear what you think and why. What are your experiences or maybe you know someone who has dealt with this issue even if you haven't yourself. I want to hear your thoughts.

**I should mention, I do enjoy a glass of sweet tea a few times per week, but I always make sure that I only have it on days when I have not had any coffee.